Infatuated
by SocksForDobby
Summary: Remus is alone on New Years Eve, not expecting anything surprising to come through his window. He should have known better. "I promise that this spell is heating the room. Or maybe my presence here is just doing that." SB/RL


**Title:** _Infatuated_

**Summary: **Remus is alone on New Years Eve, not expecting anything surprising to come through his window. He should have known better. "I promise that this spell is heating the room. Or maybe my presence here is just doing that." SB/RL

**Rating:** M

**Warnings:** This story contains language, and sexual activity of the homosexual variety.

* * *

Remus Lupin curled up tighter tighter as he gazed out the windowsill. His house was small, but his room had thankfully been blessed with a big window, with a window seat to boot. It enabled him to look out at all the stars, over fields, out at everything going on in his small, enclosed, dirt-packed yard.

He was seventeen, and lived with lived with his parents in Devon. He lived in a small, remote Muggle town, filled with farmland and, well, farmers. None of the young people in his small town were wizards, and none of them went to a boarding school, making Remus stick out like a sore thumb.

Not that he did not already – when he was five, he had been found outside, eating a raw rabbit by one of the nearby farmers, Farmer Maggot. Remus still did not know how that had happened – it was nowhere near the full moon. Just somehow, he had gotten outside, and gotten his hands on an already dead rabbit. There was no chance that Remus would have killed it – Remus would, believe it or not, never hurt a living person or animal on purpose.

"Remus!" Mother called from downstairs. "Are you sure you do not want to come downstairs? I will make us some hot cocoa, and we can watch the fireworks from the porch."

Hot chocolate was a tempting offer- Remus simply adored all types of chocolate, especially those in hot, liquid form. But doing so would be playing into his mother's game of "you are not normal, accept it, move on, and let Mummy fix the pain with some hot chocolate".

He was tired of playing that game.

It was still holiday break. New Years Eve, at eleven o'clock. The other kids in town were all heading down to the park to watch fireworks that the local constables were to set off. Remus had been strictly uninvited by one of those kids in the post office – no one wanted that freak to come. Remus was used to such things, and it had not bothered him much at all – so he told his mother.

The truth was was that he was getting used to being treated like he was completely normal. No one at Hogwarts had a clue that he was a werewolf, except for his three best friends and fellow Marauders, James, Peter, and Sirius. Then there was Snape, but he he hardly counted, because Remus did not want to be in his good favour, anyhow.

This New Years Eve, all of his friends were likely over at the Potter home, drinking coffee and Firewhiskey (Peter never drank Firewhiskey in public, due to his terrible explosive gas that it somehow encouraged), laughing, making terrible jokes, daring each other to do terrible things, playing games, and probably dangling in midair in Sirius's fancy new flying motorcycle (it had just been a motorcycle – Sirius had bewitched it to fly).

Remus had been invited to go, too, but the Lupins were not so sure. Letting him out of their sight, in the hands of someone other than Albus Dumbledore, made them worry. They feared for him, for his safety, for the safety of others. "It takes someone trained to control him", they would say.

Control him? He was a person, just like they were. A werewolf, yes. Not human, yes, but still a person. He could control himself outside the full moon perfectly fine – as Sirius said, he could control himself (outside the full moon) better than anyone else in the world (which was maybe a slight exaggeration, but the point was made).

Being seventeen, he was technically an adult. Technically, he could do whatever he chose to do, regardless of what his parents wanted. Seventeen, after all, was the legal age for everything in the Wizarding world.

But unfortunately for him, Remus had a respect for his parents, and wouldn't disobey them over something big like this. It was only New Years. He would suffer through it, alone, like he did every year. It was no big deal. It was just one of many holidays he would spend alone in his adult life, he was sure.

He picked up a rumbling sound in the distance, no doubt thanks to a bad motor, and rolled his eyes. That bad muffler sounded like Sirius's motorcycle, which also had a terrible muffler. The car was far away, he could tell – his hearing was incredible, compared to others, he had been told. He did not know the difference.

The car with the bad muffler was quickly coming closer. A lot closer. It was as if the driver had no concept of speed limits, of safety, of other cars that might driving by. It was as if the driver was…

_Flying_. Flying. The driver was flying, had no concept of other things that might be flying in the way (did not even bother to think about them), was not aware that he should go slower to avoid accidents, and if you were flying, there was no standard speed limit.

He put two and two together just before a smiling face appeared at his window.

Sirius had flown in on his motorcycle.

"Hop on, Moony!" Sirius called through the window. "Let me rescue you from this terrible dungeon! 'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!'" He cheekily recited a Muggle nursery rhyme Remus had one day told his friends.

What? No. Remus could not _sneak out_. That was even worse than flat out disobeying his parents. If he was going to disobey, fine, but sneaking out? That was immature, and just so much more wrong!

"No!" Remus called through the window. "I can't!"

The grin did not fall from Sirius's face. "Figured as much. Hold on – let me tether my bike to your window."

That was a terrible idea. "Are you going to pull my window off with your motorcycle?"

Sirius looked impressed. "Is that what you thought I would do? Cool. But no, that's not the plan. I just need to stop it from flying away on me while I hop in and visit – it's got a habit of doing that."

Nervously, Remus wondered if his parents could hear the motorcycle with the bad muffler, and what they thought it was. Maybe he should go downstairs and explain…

"Sirius, what are you doing here?" Remus asked, as Sirius grasped hold of the open window and pulled himself in. He slipped on his way in, and had to grasp hold of Remus' hand to avoid falling and breaking a bone or two… not that he did not deserve it.

"It's New Years Eve. I wasn't about to leave one of my best buddies all alone on such a wonderful night for celebrations, such as this one." Sirius bent down, out the window, to tether the bike to the window latch.

Remus was not so sure that would hold.

"Did Mrs. Potter kick you out again?" Sirius lived with James, and Mr, and Mrs. Potter were very good about it. They were terrific about it. They understood why people would hate the idea of Half-Bloods and Muggleborns, but they also found the notion of wiping them out ridiculous. They didn't like it much more than other Purebloods, but in their words, "what could you do?" They realised that nowadays, it was really nobody's fault that there were mixed bloods - these days, it was hard to find a Pureblooded wizard or witch. They also knew that one of James' best friends was, in fact, not only the son of a Half-blood and Muggle, but a werewolf. They could never hurt their son by betraying his best friend in such a terrible way.

But Sirius had an annoying habit of being annoying, that had caused Mrs. Potter to kick him out of the house for a few hours on several occasions. It was not really his fault - he was just naturally that way. If he stopped the impulsive decisions, the humming under his breath, the tapping his fingers on the table, his obsessiveness about his appearance, and his endless amount of drama, he would lose all the things that made him him.

That made him Sirius.

Remus flushed as that thought occurred to him, before scolding himself. He had made a decision, that this year, he would forget about Sirius, in that way. He would stop thinking about him like that. He would no longer dream like he did, or catch himself trying to sneak peeks. He had made a decision to stop all of that. It was nearly impossible to do at first, but he found that if he buried himself in his studies for his NEWTs, his thoughts pertaining to Sirius had to lessen. The less he saw him, the less he thought about him. The 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' phrase was a lie, to a degree.

"Remus, do you have a piece of rope I can use?" Sirius struggled to tie the rope properly. "This one is starting to break. I think I'm wearing it out."

"Did you just stop using your brain at some point, or have you just never had one?" Remus pulled out his wand.

"Yeah. Stopped using it when I was about six. Trust me - after awhile, you stop missing it." Sirius didn't miss a beat as he pulled out his wand and strengthened the rope, making it more secure.

"There." Sirius stepped back, wiping his hands off on his fine robes. "Not even the strongest troll in the world could tear that off your window."

_Yes, not even a troll could tear that off._ "Um, Sirius? Are you trying to heat the whole world?"

The Lupin house was heated through Muggle heat, and the fireplace both. Using the Muggle electric devices were expensive, but Remus' mother could not use them, being a Muggle, so Muggle appliances and devices had to be used. Remus himself had not been able to use the magical ones for years, so he was grateful his father was so accommodating.

But Mr. Lupin always said that heat was money, and Sirius was sure wasting it with that open window.

Sirius looked at the open and window and laughed. "Are you a Wizard, or are you not? Remember? The heat will just-"

_The idiot_. "We use Muggle heat. It's expensive. My parents do not make a lot of money, Sirius, mainly because of me. The last thing I want to do is-"

Realisation dawned on Sirius's face. "Oh, yeah. Ooops. Sorry." He pulled out his wand and muttered a few words. "Okay, that should do her."

Remus inspected the invisible shield. "Promise that is keeping the heat in and the cold out?" He checked.

"I promise that it's even heating the room." Sirius said. He grinned broadly. "Or maybe my presence here is just doing that."

Remus snorted, turning away from Sirius. He could feel his face just burn at that comment. He sat on the window seat, and fidgeted, trying to stop that feeling in between his legs.

"So, Moony," Sirius sat down beside Remus, jostling him, which Remus was trying _not_ to have done. "How is your New Years Eve going? Pretty dull, isn't it? Why aren't you going to do Muggle-ish things with your parents, like, you know, fireworks, or eating food, or-"

"We're the local freaks, remember? If we hung out with them, our freakishness would only become more obvious." Remus tried to talk plainly, without making it sound like he pitied himself. He didn't - he was so used to it. He had never known anything else, but being a freak. He had been bitten by a werewolf, Fenrir Greyback, it was presumed, when he was only three-years-old. He had nearly died, once a month, the first year. His body had had to adapt to changing species. He had to adapt to having his bones breaking, muscles snap, etcetera, monthly. He had to deal with his natural body temperature rising several degrees, as well as his blood pressure. He had been in a constant fever for three months, apparently, after being bitten, combined with infection and his body trying to fight that temperature.

He remembered none of that, but he still lived with the after-effects. He was taller, and thinner, than any other people his age he had met. He had hair on the palms of his hands, and had begun to grow facial hair when he was twelve. He was always hungry. Since no Wizards would buy products from a Wizard with a werewolf child, the Lupin family was very poor - he had clothes just as tattered as Snape's, sometimes, and that was saying something.

He had little pride, and was plenty used to many humiliating comments, gestures, and situations. He could deal with quite a bit of pain, physically and emotionally... but Sirius presented a whole new challenge, physically and emotionally. Especially when he was with Sirius, in his bedroom, alone.

"Ah." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Seriously, people get too messed up about this sort of thing. I think it must be some natural thing in people's brains, because Muggles don't even have blood purity to worry about."

"People are afraid of what they do not know." Remus said. "They know something is different about us - that something is wrong with me - and they do not know what it is. They cannot put their fingers on it at all. Half of the time, if people had answers to their questions, they would treat people much better." He paused. "Not that I can give them any answers."

He realised, after he said that, what he had said. He was terrified of telling Sirius how he felt about him - he was terrified to even let Sirius know what his sexuality was. But if he knew how Sirius would react, he would feel a whole lot better about telling him. Even if he knew Sirius would de-friend him, and ignore him for the rest of his life - even if he knew Sirius would kill him - it would be less terrifying than not knowing and telling him.

"Yeah." Sirius said. "Um, Remus?"

"Yes?" Remus stood up and moved over to his bed, where he laid on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, facing Sirius. He had intended to hide his reaction to Sirius sitting so close to him, to Sirius saying his name. Hopefully, it worked out well.

Sirius was absent-mindedly twirling his wand over the back of his hand. "I didn't get kicked out by Mrs. Potter. I mean, she caught me smoking upstairs again, but she didn't kick me out again. See, me and Sirius and Peter were talking-"

Every New Years, Peter, James, and Sirius spent the night at either James' or Sirius'. Remus had never been allowed to join them, by mutual agreement of all parents, save James', who would have welcomed Remus into their home. They got to play pranks on each other, laugh, play so much Exploding Snap that all of their eyebrows were singed off. They ate, drank too much butterbeer, had burping contests, and got daring enough to even sneak down into the cupboard and taking some Firewhiskey that they were now barely old enough to drink.

And Remus had missed out on all of that. How he used to dream that his friends would someday be allowed to come stay at his house. They could do all of that, and more. They could sneak out and go into the Muggle village, and go into a pub, where the legal drinking age was sixteen, and drink themselves silly. They could make massive piles of snow, and slide down them naked, like they had always talked about doing.

_This is the closest you're going to get, until all four of you move out. _He and Sirius could do all of that stuff, but it wouldn't be as much fun. Because the entire time, he would be wanting to do another thing entirely.

"Were you thinking while you were talking?" Remus found himself giving a smart-ass comment. "Because you talk all the time, but if you were thinking, then I really will be impressed."

_Idiot. Don't insult him. Don't insult him. _He never thought Sirius was perfect - he knew him well enough to know that Sirius was very flawed, but guess what? He thought he was perfect for him, and if it involved not using his brain, well, so be it. Remus used his brain enough for all four of the Marauders. But when Remus got nervous, as he usually did when he was alone with Sirius and thinking about... sexual things, he tended to say stupid things.

Sirius gave a cocked grin. "Well, I was, at least, but I don't think the other two were that much. You see, every time we hang out on New Years, we eventually stop playing games, and stop bouncing on the bed, and stop hanging out windows by our balls-"

"-What?" Remus cried out in horror. _That image... Oh, God. The physical damage that could be done. The-_

"I'm kidding. Sort of." Sirius said, seriously. "But look, we always end up talking about you."

"Me?" Remus asked, his heart falling into his stomach.

"Yeah. We always talk about what you're doing, or how you are. About how we wish you could come, and plot to how to get you to come next year. But tonight, tonight was different."

"I don't know what I said, something about how maybe we could visit with you one on one, except maybe not Peter because his mother is an arse, and how maybe your parents wouldn't be so 'oh, it is bad to socialise when you have lycanthropy'."

Sirius was the only one out of the Marauders who could actually pronounce 'lycanthropy' properly - even though he likely could not spell it. It was another thing Remus loved about him.

"And then, James and Peter kind of gave each other these looks, like, you know, they knew something that I didn't know. And then, James kind of said that he didn't know how you'd feel about one on one visits with them, but with _me_ you would probably piss your trousers."

"So I kind of pried some stuff out of them, and then I just had to come see you. Because it's really important and can't wait another year. Or really, another minute. Remus," Sirius' blue eyes were not twinkling like they normally were - they were very serious, "do you have something to tell me?

Remus froze, and it was not due to cold. His teeth hurt, deep to their core. He felt his heart beating fast, and his body flushing... and his body temperature and penis rising.

"Um..." Remus mumbled, which was something he rarely did as both a habit and rule. "Um..."

_What the hell? James? Peter? How could you betray me like this? I told you in the strictest confidence - only because I had to! Sirius is thick - so beautiful, loving, and beautiful - but thick! He would have never found out had you not told him - never! I love him. I love him... but that is a secret!_

_Or apparently no longer._

Sirius looked at Remus, patiently. He did not tap his fingers on his knees, tap his foot on the floor, or sigh impatiently. He simply sat, looking into Remus' eyes, waiting.

Sirius's eyes were so blue. The eyes were more blue than any eyes Remus had ever seen before. They were not a light blue, as most eyes were. They were not the colour of the sky, the colour of ice frozen under the right conditions. They were deep, the colour of sapphire, the colour of Mexican beaches that Remus had seen pictures of, but would never see. They were so many things; honest. Trusting. Loyal. Bright. Twinkling. Angry. Disappointed. Betrayed. Comforting. Confused. Loving.

All in a pair of eyes.

"I love you." Remus found himself saying, as he stared into his friend's blue eyes. "I love you."

Before he could even snap out of the mesmerized stare, Sirius had stood and moved to Remus' side, on the bed, sitting next to him whilst Remus continued to lie on his stomach.

"What do you love?" Sirius said, softly, into Remus' ear.

_I just said. You. _"You." Remus said again, before he could chicken out. He did not look up to gaze at Sirius further - he just continued to gaze out the window, from his position on the bed. "You. A mug of hot chocolate. Warm robes. Cold days and started fireplaces. The first-time reading a good book. Laughing children. Studying for Astronomy in the library. Pumpkin bread. Quiet Saturday mornings at Hogwarts, with the curtains on my bed curtains closed, thinking of you."

_He did not want to know all of that. Why would he want to know all of that? What does studying for Astronomy have to do with Sirius? I do not love it at all, in contrast with how I feel about him! Why did I even bring that up? That is so foolish!_

But Sirius did not miss a beat; he climbed over Remus, straddling Remus' lower back. He was not heavy, but was a nearly unnoticeable weight. Remus' breathing was not forced to slow down because of the weight, but he found himself breathing harder, due to the excitement building up.

Said excitement was increased by the hardness he felt through Sirius's robes, on the small of Remus' back.

"What do you hate?" Sirius asked next, using his hands to massage the knots of tension in Remus' shoulders.

_What is he doing? Why is he taunting me like this? I admitted I loved him, but he is not required to treat me like this! We are supposed to go on, as normally as possible, pretending this never happened! Pretending I never admitted my love._

"Sweltering summer days. Tattered robes on the first day of school. Train whistles. Werewolves. Automobile engines. Living in a Muggle village. Living amongst Wizards who know what I am. What I am." he repeated, as another answer entirely. "Being unable to visit you on holidays, on summer holidays. Being unable to be with you, James and Peter on the annual Marauder's New Year. Being unable to be with you."

A warm kiss was placed on the back of Remus' neck. Remus almost bolted at feeling that, in surprise, and could barely suppress the shudder he gave at the feeling of the lips, of the breathing on his neck. Every hair on his body - hair on the palms, included - stood straight up. Remus' breathing had no hope of being shallow, now.

"What do you want?" Sirius whispered into Remus' ear, a whisper that would be nearly inaudible to any Wizard with average hearing.

What did Remus want? He wanted quite a few things, quite often. He wanted his parents to have more money, he wanted to be human. He wanted security in whatever job he had in the future. In the future, he wanted many children, many laughs, and many cups of hot chocolate.

But right now, those answers did not seem important. Some, yes, he still wanted, but he did not _need_ them like he needed one thing. One thing that was a someone. Someone in Remus' bedroom.

"You." He said, simply.

Sirius tugged on Remus' shoulders, urging him to roll over onto his back. Once he did, Sirius straddled again over Remus' abdomen, the continuing hardness now harder than before.

Sirius placed a hurried kiss onto Remus' lips. The bit of stubble that Sirius had not shaved off that morning scratched Remus' cheek. The taste of Sirius's mouth was butterbeer, chocolate, and something that Remus could not quite secern. Perhaps it was the taste of a human's saliva, of another person's saliva. Remus had never kissed anyone before, so he did not know.

Sirius pulled away quickly, and began to fumble with the buttons on the top of Remus' robes. "Damn!" he said, when the first button fell off the fabric, and fell onto the hardwood floor.

"The buttons are all loose." Remus found himself panting, for whatever reason, sitting up, causing Sirius to slide slightly further down, right onto the tent in Remus' robes.

The feeling was simply electrifying. The pressure there was just what Remus needed. Or it was something. But for only an instant. Then he wished Sirius would get off. Then get back on. The on again. And then...

He snapped. What was he thinking? That was not what sex was, at least, not with their clothes on.

Wait - why was he thinking about sex? With Sirius? He had thought about it so many times before, but only thought. He had not had the opportunity to do it. Now he did - no, he could not.

Remus slipped Sirius off of him, before getting down on his hands and knees, crawling about the floor. He tried to ignore the pounding pulse between his legs as he padded about, looking under his bed, between the cracks of the floorboards.

"Remus?" Sirius sounded puzzled. "What are you doing?"

_Trying to calm down. Thinking about McGonagall in a bikini. No, Dumbledore in a bikini. Thinking about sour milk - no, curdled milk and the smell of ammonia. Thinking about cold showers - ice cold showers. The ice cold pond that we skinny dipped in in second-year, the one year we all spent at Hogwarts together. The year I finally realised I was gay. It was good back then - I kept my mouth shut, but I had not been worried about rejection from you. Because you would never reject another person for who they were - you had been through too much of that yourself. I knew that as long as you knew you weren't on my mind in a sexual manner, you'd be fine with it. And then I saw you in fifth-year, towelling off your _precious _hair with the towel you should have been wearing around your waist..._

"Looking for my button." He said, trying to keep his voice neutral. He knew he was not doing a good job. "I lost a button. My button. I think it might have fell in a crack somewhere."

Sirius was on his hands and knees on the bed, watching Remus. "Moony." He said, gently.

"I have to find it!" He exclaimed, going off the deep end. His voice cracked, as everything, the façade, fell away. "It's my button! It's important! It's a button! A brown button! A brown button! My button!"

Sirius climbed off of the bed, and knelt on the floor next to Remus. "Moony, it's okay."

"You broke my button-"

Sirius stopped his sentence with another kiss. This one was not a brief, hesitant one like the one they had shared only moments earlier, but this one was deep. Passionate. Wet. Warm. Involved.

Remus' thoughts swirled, and mixed together so much that he could not even process them as this went on. Somehow, Sirius's tongue was inside of his mouth... and their mouths were touching? How was this even possible? How could this have happened? Only hours ago, Remus had found himself catching himself - and scolding himself - earlier that day, for dreaming of a moment like this. And now it was here... by some belated Christmas miracle.

Sirius began to rise, pulling Remus along with him until they were back on the bed, before Sirius pulled away.

"We'll find your button." Sirius said. His face was flushed, his normally tidy hair hanging in his eyes. "Don't worry about it."

Remus wasn't. Not really. That had been a cop-out. An excuse. "Padfoot?" Why did his voice start to crack whenever he spoke to Sirius tonight? It was as if he were thirteen all over again.

Sirius did not continue unbuttoning Remus' shirt, but just peered into Remus' eyes. "What?"

"I-I-I love you." Remus blurted out. "I-I do, but I-I-I-I'm scared."

Sirius blinked. "Scared?"

Of course Sirius would not understand being scared. Sirius was afraid of many things, Voldemort, for one. But sex and intimacy was not things he was afraid of. He had had too much of it to still be afraid of it. Remus would never forget being fifteen, only days after he realised how he felt about Sirius, and Sirius walking into the dormitory, boasting about he had received his first blowjob. He, out of all the Marauders, had lost his virginity first.

And Remus had been crushed.

Had he expected to be the one that Sirius lost it to? Remus did not know what he had thought then - he had thought about so much and yet, so little, in those few days in between realising his love, and that. But there was the jealously factor - Sirius had been intimate with someone else. Someone who was not Remus. Someone who was a female. And had enjoyed it.

And it had all gone downhill from there.

Remus had never had sex before, of any way, shape, or form. He purposely distanced himself from all boys - and girls - in a sexual manner, to avoid having to confront any of the drama that went with it. He did not want to have to sort out his feelings with Sirius, with liking boys, with not liking girls in the way he should... and distancing himself from it all was a way to do that. His excuse to the other Marauders had been simple; he had to get good grades, to get a good job in the future. His parents would not approve of his being with anyone this young, as a werewolf. No one would want to be with him if they knew he was a werewolf... but if he truly wanted to be with someone, they had to know. The Marauders had agreed that, although that was major-league suckness, it was Remus' choice, and if it was all right by him, well, it was all right by them.

Peter had picked up on the homosexuality thing first. It was Peter who first confronted Remus about it. He had come up to him, while they were alone in the dormitory one day, and asked him, just outright, being surprisingly bold for Peter Pettigrew. And Remus, so tired of having not told anyone, broke down and told Peter. Then made him swear to secrecy.

Peter had convinced him to tell James. James, after all, was the leader of their group. James had not taken the news of the homosexuality, nor the news of Remus' love (it was not a crush, he was sure) easily - the Pureblood culture was one very against homosexuality. Not because of it being unnatural, or not right, but because two men could not produce children, which was the aim of the Purebloods' existence.

He had come around, though, and had also swore to not tell anyone. Especially not Sirius.

But they had told. They both had.

And for some bizarre reason, Sirius was in his bedroom, practically on top of him, salivating like Padfoot the Dog.

_Yes, I am scared that this is a dream. I am scared that this is a mistake. I am scared Father and Mother will catch us. I am scared of what they will say when they find out about my sexuality. I am scared that you are drunk and only doing this because of that. I am scared that it will hurt. I am scared that you are only doing this because you feel required to. I am scared that you see this as just another fling, and not something real. I am scared because, if you do, this will be the end of our friendship as we know it._

"Tell me." Remus propped himself up on his elbows.

"Tell you what?" Sirius began to unbutton his robes and pull them off, displaying his toned, tanned chest.

Remus could barely keep his eyes away. "Tell me what you love."

"Firewhiskey. Butterbeer. Quidditch. Fuzzy blankets. Smoking gillyweed. Humiliating Snape. Washing my hair. Sex. Peanut butter and jam porridge. Wizarding Wireless. Storybooks about talking mice. James and Peter. And my Moony."

_My Moony? _That was entirely different. That was not in the same context as the love for James and Peter. It couldn't have been. Otherwise he might have said Prongs, Wormtail, and Moony. Or Prongs, Wormtail, and you. And the use of 'my'? What was that?

"I love the way your hair flops into your eyes, and the way your eyes practically cross when you're studying too hard. And the way you bite your lip when you're doing that, too. I love how annoying and freaked out you get the night before a big exam, and I love how you try not to crack up when we're pranking Snape, and scold us, but think it's funny, anyway. I love how hard you know your life is going to be, and how hard you try to make it good, anyway. I loved how you have more hair on your back, on your legs, and on your nipples than any other guy I know."

Remus turned tomato red at that answer - he did not even need a mirror to know that.

"I love the way you cheer at every Quidditch game for me, specifically. I love how you love chocolate like you're married to it. I love the way that, for a smart boy, you ask stupid questions. I love the way you try to hump Padfoot every month. I-"

That was it. "I do not!" Remus protested. That was not true. That was an absolute lie. That was an unforgivable lie. He could try to butter Remus up, but that was ridiculous. And embarrassing. Whether he did that or not (he didn't), it did not warrant speaking of.

"How would you know? Shut up. I'm thinking." Sirius paused. "I love the way you journal every night, because no bloke I've ever known does that. I love the way you've always gone out of your way to protect Lily's honour, even though she and James have only been dating for like, a month."

James would have specified that it had been three weeks, two days, seven hours, and two and a half minutes, but details were obviously not on Sirius's mind at the moment.

"I love the way the scars on your body make patterns. I love how some are flat, white, and faded, some are red, raised, and obvious... yeah, I know it sounds morbid and disgusting, but really, it's different, and I like it. I love how worried you are about being a werewolf - not because of what damage it does to yourself, but how it affects everyone else. I love how the only person you've ever decked - ever - was my brother, because he insulted me, and I wasn't around to defend myself. I love how you went through such lengths to keep how you feel about me a secret..." his voice trailed. "And I hate how thick I was not to notice it."

Remus, still lying on his back, looking up at Sirius, only widened his eyes. Sirius was mad. Absolutely insane. He had once confided into his fellow Marauders that he was worried about being insane, because it seemed like it ran in his family - his mother and Bellatrix's mother were both mad, and Bellatrix most certainly was. Andromeda, Bellatrix's older sister, could be mad, too - that was what rumour had it, anyway.

James had reassured him that crazy people thought that they were getting more sane, so that meant that sane people probably thought that they were going crazy. Remus had thought that, to an extent, that made sense. But now, all of that had flown out of the window. Because Sirius Black had to be insane.

"What are you saying?" He stammered. "Are you saying that..?"

"That I am completely infatuated with you? Yeah, probably, if I know what 'infatuated' means." Sirius beamed. "I stole your dictionary before we left for home, and tried to look up the best word to describe how I felt about you. 'Infatuated' was a good word, I thought."

Remus kept staring. Was Sirius rambling on about a dictionary? Why the heck was he rambling on about a dictionary? He confessed his love to someone, and then just started rattling on about what was, most literally, a book full of words?

Sirius, finally, had the grace to stop rambling. "Are you okay?" He peered down, into Remus' eyes.

_Sirius loves me. Sirius is _infatuated _with me. Sirius is here. With me, alone. He kissed me. He kissed me. He kissed me. He kissed me..._

"'Infatuated' means that you're in love with someone." Remus said. "It can be platonic, y-you know, but it is usually not. It feels special though, I-I think."

Sirius straightened, again straddling himself over Remus, grinding against him gently. "Hmm. Does it mean that you think about that person almost all the time?"

Remus could barely take it - feeling Sirius rub up against him like that was enough for him to come right then and there, completely untouched. "Y-Y-Yes."

"Like, you know, does it kind of feel super _intense_?" Sirius teased. "Like a _burning_ feeling, like you're going to _burst_?"

Remus had never been intimate with anyone before, meaning that he had never noticeably come with anyone else in the room, the only time counting early in the mornings, behind his curtains, in the dormitory. If his first time was going to be in his trousers, with Sirius taunting him, he would be damned.

"Stop - it." Remus heaved, sitting up and pushing Sirius off of him.

He pushed perhaps a bit harder than he intended to - Sirius topped onto the hardwood floor. The force of his body hitting the floor shook the whole room. Maybe the whole house.

"Shit." Remus muttered, jumping off of the bed. His feet landed lightly on the floor. And knelt down next to Sirius. "Are you okay?"

Sirius didn't answer. He grabbed Remus from behind his head, and pulled his head down to meet his.

Their lips met, messily squashing against each other. When Sirius finally released Remus from the grasp of his hands, he began to pull at Remus' robes. The very thin fabric tore, and the robes were off.

_Mother is going to be furious, _Remus thought for an instant, but only an instant. Sirius was then pulling at Remus' shorts, leaving Remus completely naked.

Shame filled Remus as he felt Sirius's eyes survey him. He knew that, not only was he very scrawny and overly hairy, but that the scars Sirius had claimed to be so fond of were literally all over, on every part of his body. And, on top of that, his penis was red, lengthened, and raised, throbbing to the touch, practically.

It was another thing he hated about himself - most boys his age would be thrilled to be so well endowed, but Remus despised it. Because practically no one his age had length and size like his was. It would be impressive if very many adult men did, unless they were a creature, or part creature.

It was something that most boys living in the same dormitory cared about - they spent all the school year together, day in and day out. It was not uncommon for Peter, Sirius, or James - especially Sirius - to come in from the shower completely naked. But Remus never had. He was too modest, without much self-confidence - and embarrassed over his size.

Sirius lipped his lips. "And to think I had only dreamed of such things." He moved on the floor, gently lowering Remus to the floor, so that he was laying down.

_Only dreamed of such things? _What exactly was he referring to by that? "Um, Sirius?" Remus panted. "Please tell me you do not intend to do this with some bird on the side?" It was Remus' worst nightmare, to become 'friends with benefits' with Sirius.

"Are you kidding?" A kiss was placed right below Remus' earlobe. "Never."

Sirius always had a girl he had sex with. Always. "Are you sure? What about Giselle? What about-"

Sirius pulled away, a frown on his face. "You're no fun. Less talk, more-"

"Just tell me." Remus pleaded. He wanted to get on with it as much as anyone. He did not know how long most seventeen-year-olds could go without ejaculating, but he doubted he could go much longer at all.

Sirius sighed. "No one, Remus. I haven't had a serious girl in a year."

"But what about Giselle?" Sirius had gone on and on about Giselle, a bright platinum blonde Ravenclaw, for months. His explicit descriptions of their sexual encounters had sent Remus into the loo to spew out the contents of his stomach several times.

"Nothing happened between me and Giselle." Sirius said, impatiently, pulling the robes off his perfectly-sculpted body. "I lied, so no one would suspect how I felt about you."

Remus' jaw dropped. "You never stuck your tongue up Giselle's-"

"No. God, no. I don't even wish I had, believe it or not. I was too busy wishing I had my tongue up your- oh, never mind." Sirius threw his shorts aside, displaying his proud erection. "It'll be easier if you roll over, I'll bet. I read a book on it."

Of course that one of the three books Sirius read a year would be on sexual positions. "I'll be fine." Remus said, bringing his legs up and apart. It was not the most comfortable position, but he wanted to see Sirius.

He did not doubt for a moment that Sirius would lie to him. Not about something like this, especially. Not at a moment like this. Especially when they were both naked, and vulnerable.

Remus really did not even question it.

"Wait-" Remus stopped Sirius, right before Sirius drove his penis into him. "We're going to need something for lubricant."

"Right." Sirius scurried to his feet. "Do you have any Potions in your room? I bet one of those slimy things would work good."

Of course having sex with Sirius could be hazardous. Trust Sirius to stuck a Sores-And-Pus Potion up your bum. "We could use butter or some sort of cooking oil, but Mother is more than likely in the kitchen, and-"

"Screw it!" Sirius screeched, running over to the small desk in Remus' room, searching desperately through the drawers. "Um, ink? It'll wash off, right?"

Remus was going to die. "Summon-"

"Spit! That'll work. It's wet and slimy-"

"Sirius!" Remus practically had to shout. "Summon petroleum jelly out of the loo. My mother uses it for her-"

"_Accio _petroleum jelly!" Sirius said, before catching the container as if flew through the door. "All right! We're in business!"

He opened the container, and scooped his finger into the contents. "Yeah, this'll work. Wet and slimly. So I just?"" He gestured towards Remus.

Remus took a deep breath. "Go ahead."

_It was remarkable how we did not even have to discuss who would be in what position, _Remus thought as Sirius's finger entered him. _We just knew. We each had in mind a different position, and it has worked perfectly. Maybe it is meant to be. Maybe-_

He sucked in a deep breath.

"Are you okay?" Sirius looked up at him, his blue eyes concerned. "Did that hurt too bad?"

It hadn't hurt. It was only briefly uncomfortable. "Keep going." Remus said. "Just be careful."

Remus was a virgin, meaning no sex whatsoever, and that included anal. Common sense told him that it would hurt to be penetrated a bit, but completely worth it if it was with someone you loved.

Completely worth it if you were with Sirius.

Sirius pulled his finger out all the way. "Good enough?" He asked. The tip of his penis was beginning to seep, meaning that they would be running out of time if they didn't hurry.

Remus squirmed a bit. He did not feel much different, except for the petroleum jelly up his arse. But he had to be stretched more than he had been initially. The muscles in there that were not used to the penetration would adapt quickly, wouldn't they? After all, they healed in a matter of moments every full moon.

"Brilliant." Remus said.

Sirius placed a well-placed, but quick, kiss on the corner of Remus' lips, before beginning.

_He does not have a girlfriend, nor a boyfriend. _Remus' thoughts were all over the place. _He wants to be with me. Like I want to be with him. We both want to be together._

It did not take long for Sirius to finish, and when he did, he collapsed on top of Remus' chest, gasping for breath.

"Oomph." Remus lost his breath for a moment. The pressure that was now being placed on his miraculously still erect penis was unbearable - he supposed being a werewolf indeed had its perks.

Sirius placed a small kiss on Remus' neck. "You're beautiful." He whispered. "I love you. I adore you." He stopped, getting another breath in. "I am infatuated with you."

Remus just nodded. He could talk with the pressure on his stomach and chest, but not after what he had just been through, and with the erection. The beautiful, glorious - albeit slightly uncomfortable - thing he had just been through. It had been uncomfortable, but it had also felt wonderful - how was that even possible?

Sirius slid off of Remus. "Ooh, that needs taken care of." Sirius said, apparently being able to make a quick recovery after orgasm. "How do you want to-"

Remus closed his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath. At this point, he did not care. He just wanted to be with Sirius, and Sirius with him. It did not matter, to be honest. It was all new to him, all exciting, and all with Sirius. If Sirius had wanted to hang him upside down by his penis, with dental floss, Remus would have probably let him.

Hot air was blown on the penis. And then, it was inserted into a mouth.

The warm, wetness was unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome. The sucking feeling - the tightening of the mouth, the letting go, the swirl of the tongue... it was all too exhilarating to put into words, had Remus tried. He did stiffen slightly when Sirius's perfectly white teeth grazed his already tender foreskin, but it was all forgiven that moment he ejaculated, squirting milky white fluid into Sirius's perfect mouth.

"Don't - swallow." Remus said, gasping for breath as he fell down flat on the floor. He did not know if lycanthropy could be spread through semen - he knew quite a bit about lycanthropy, certainly. He knew everything the books had to offer. But none he had read had said anything about semen. Not the slightest. That likely meant that it did not carry lycanthropy, but it was always better safe that sorry.

"Too late, Moons. You taste too good." Sirius said, laying down and nuzzling into Remus' arms. "Can I have more?"

Remus scoffed at the ridiculousness. "Later. If you're good."

This was unbelievable, and simply just not happening. Sirius Black simply did not fly into Remus Lupin's window, and make love to him. He did not repeatedly tell him how much he loved him, and in all the ways. He might list all the reasons he loved the vagina, of course, but never give Remus oral sex. It simply did not make sense.

"I found your button." Sirius said, lazily, picking something up off the floor. "Then again, I suppose we don't need it now. Your robe is kind of messed up. Sorry."

He did not sound to sorry. "Mother is going to kill me." Remus groaned, sitting up, having finally recovered, but fully ready to go again if he got lucky enough to have Sirius want to. "Fabric is expensive."

"Even cheap, rough, ugly, thin stuff like this?" Sirius picked up the tattered remains of the robe, and asked in his blunt way. "Seriously?"

"My parents haven't much money." Remus reminded Sirius, reaching out to take the robe from Sirius. "Everything we own is valu-"

Sirius held the robe out of Remus' reach. "Have you tried using charms on it? Like, you know, putting it back together, changing the colour, transfiguring the buttons into something nicer looking than plain old brown?"

"I like the brown!" Remus said, defensively.

"Yeah, because they are chocolate brown." Sirius laughed, giving Remus another kiss. "Can you believe it? Here we are, laying on your floor, making love and talking about designing your robe. We're about as gay as they come, aren't we?"

"You were talking about the robe. I just said I like chocolate." Remus said, defensively.

Sirius's face got serious. "I was kidding, Moons. Just kidding. I mean, how often do we talk about fashion? Once a year? This is just a fluke, not because of you and me. You know, if there is a you and... what's wrong?"

"Promise me that you won't start referring to me as your 'gay werewolf friend'." Remus said.

"What?"

"Promise me."

"I would never do that!" Sirius said.

"I could see you doing that."

"Yeah, but not to you!" Sirius said. "You're Moony. You're beautiful, you're funny, you're smart, and it's not your fault you're a werewolf. Or gay. And it's not a problem. You have to remember that I'm just jealous of you - you're a werewolf, so I turned myself into a dog. You're gay, so I have to turn gay, too. Or still part gay." Sirius's eyes twinkled. "I was lying about Giselle, but not about the vagina part. Those are pretty nice, too."

Remus turned away. He didn't want to look at Sirius. He did not want to hear his stupid jokes. This was serious. Remus did not just have random flings, like Sirius did. This was not just another random fling. This was not only the time Remus lost his virginity, but it was important to him in another way, too.

He had had sex with Sirius.

"Remus, I know what you're thinking." Sirius whispered, his breath tinkling Remus' neck.

"You do not." Remus said, hotly.

"I have had sex twice this past year. Twice. And it's killing me."

That was a small feat for most. Peter had probably had it a couple of handfuls of times this past year, only because he was dating Petunia Jessen. James, once or twice, because he had really only had it when opportunity arose and he forgot all about how much he loved Lily - now that he was dating Lily, and Lily was super strict on 'no sex before marriage', he hadn't had it in quite awhile.

But for Sirius, assuming that that was no exaggeration, that was a giant leap.

"I love you. I mean, I always liked you well enough, but this past year? My God. I don't know what's changed about you, or what's changed about me, or if anything has changed at all, but you have given me 'infatuation'. It's like I can't eat, can't sleep, this reach for the stars kind of feeling. And yeah, I know it sounds like it's out of a great Wizarding play from 1418, but that's the way it is. It's like this World Cup kind of thing."

"The two times I had sex? Both with Kendra Glasshot. The first time was right after we came back from Christmas vacation, and we got so fucking drunk that we pissed over the entire common room - remember?"

Remus winced. They had been too drunk to even think of cleaning charms to clean up all of the urine, and McGonagall, well, she had not been pleased the next morning.

The next time was Halloween night. I wasn't drunk, and I know that that's really bad because I had no excuse, but I was just so _mad_! You were off studying with Alice again, and I thought-"

"Alice is going to be married to Frank the second they get out of school, you know that." Remus said. "And I'm not just kinda gay, like you are. I mean, if I weren't so in-" He stopped, flushing from head to toe.

Sirius gave a have cocked grin. "You can say it. You already did."

"If I weren't so in love with you, there'd be someone else." Remus felt terrible even considering the possibility. "I mean, I would be wanting someone else. Or even be with someone else."

"Like Xenophilius Lovegood? There's no way in hell he's straight."

_Actually, he is. _Remus knew because he could hear Xeno's rituals of love bearing in the tower of Ravenclaw from far outside of it. Xeno was definitely an odd one, but perfectly straight.

But that was beside the point. "No. Never Alice. Never anyone."

"Well, never anyone else for as long as we're together." Sirius paused. "As long as you will be with me, anyway. I mean, I'm not too good at this. As smooth as I seem."

Remus scoffed. Sirius wasn't half as smooth as he thought he was. He tripped down more stairs, mispronounced more words, and walked into more walls, than anyone Remus had ever known.

"Sirius, are you trying to say that I'm not just another random sex act?" Remus asked. "That you don't treat all the girls you're with the way you've treated me, that we'll do this until we're ninety?"

"Two hundred and thirty, should average life expectancy not delude us." Sirius smiled proudly. "You told me once what the average life expectancy was for a Wizard, and I remembered."

Actually, Remus had told him that the life expectancy for a Wizard for two hundred and thirty, and for a male werewolf, about ninety. But Sirius had most likely tuned that out as unlikely ('Remus will never die', he would think), and moved on.

"That we'll be doing this until our beards are as long as Dumbledore's? Sure." Sirius grinned before leaning in for another kiss.

The clock began to chime. Once. Twice. Thrice.

_How will we know what we want when we're two hundred? What if we both change so much that we do not really need what the other has to offer?_

Four times. Five times.

_What if that semen carried the disease? What if something happens to Sirius tonight? Or maybe tomorrow? What if he starts craving rare meat and begins to have violent tendencies? Or what if he starts feeling really sick the night of the full moon? What if I accidentally bite him while we are kissing, or making love? What if he somehow draws my blood into his mouth?_

Six. Seven.

_What if we do not live through this war? What if Voldemort kills me for being a werewolf? What if Voldemort kills Sirius for being a blood-traitor, the Potters for housing a blood traitor? Peter for standing up for us? Lily... Lily is a Muggleborn. What if Sirius and I do not live to finish this year out? What if everything changes this year?_

Eight times. Nine.

_What will happen after the war, if we do make it? Where will we live? What will Peter and James think when they find out? What if they don't find out? How long can we hide it from them? Should we hide it from them? Should we hide it from everyone - all of Hogwarts? What with Father and Mother think? Does it matter what they think?_

Ten. Eleven chimes.

_Sirius, I love you. I know this is probably just a dream, but then I never want to wake up. Thank you so much for this night, even if it's only a night. Even if it is just a dream. Because I thought I could never love you more than I did, this morning. But tonight? I love you more than is perhaps possible._

Twelve.

Finally, they pulled away, desperate for breath.

"I love you, Remus. It's going to be a merry New Year." Sirius said. His hot breath touched Remus' cheek, he was still so close.

"I know. I love you, too, Sirius."

**The End**


End file.
